Hey there Manic Blog visitor! Come sit awhile and hear my back-story, will ya? Thanks for reading my not-so-first but VERY honest blog. I live everyday in secret - 90% of the people I interact with on a daily basis have no idea that I suffer from bipolar (there...I said it!). I am an executive at a very large media corporation in the talent group. I friggen love my job - but the love for life has gotten away from me due to this imbalance. I am "high-functioning" according to my doctors. I am a "fighter" according to my friends. If this blog helps one person continue their fight for balance...or one person to speak up at work against disability discrimination...or helps one person to better understand and support their friend, family member or co-worker who is suffering from mental illness - then I have been blessed with being well enough to share my voice and thank you. I hope to one day fight the insurance laws - so that the mentally ill are covered - just like any other major illness. You can be high-functioning and still be mentally ill, just like any other disease. You are a human being with a chemical imbalance and IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT.
When I started to blog on another site I was ready to share my hilarious life stories...the ones that would make people giggle and walk through life's embarrassments with me....and somewhere in the mix share some of the painful crap too. But I was too busy trying to get my life on track to look back. I needed to deal with the present. So I didn't blog - I wrote on http://www.dailystrength.org/ in my private online journal and in my pretty leather bond diary tucked next to my bed. I let out all the hurt and anger -released through words - but never quite gone for good.
Here's the important long-winded back story to my current state. Mental illness has had a grip on me for almost 5 years. While I had issues with depression and anxiety in my early 20's - it was nothing like this. It all started when I was diagnosed with hypothyroidism. The synthetic thyroid replacement drug, Synthroid, did not agree with my system...and it put me in a tailspin that I am still trying to get out of today. It caused manic behavior that mirrored the side-effects of having HYPERthyroidism. I kept telling my MD (at that time) that something was wrong, but he kept telling me that my thyroid levels were normal and to see a shrink. ("Tailspin" does not even come close to describing where my brain went 5 years ago...it was like someone threw the crazy switch on). I called a Psychiatrist that I had not seen in about 6 months and told her I was having anxiety and asked her to please put me back on Prozac. I failed to mention the Synthroid because the doctor kept telling me it was not apart of the problem and I began to believe him. Within 2 weeks of being back on Prozac I went insane. Faces started to look odd to me - I felt paranoid. The lights hurt my eyes. I was on edge all the time and snapping at everyone. I could no longer function on the streets of Manhattan - it was all too fast and too much. My resting heart rate was over 105. The nightmare of the next 5 years had begun. I went on a six week unpaid medical leave from the job I had at that time (8 years at the same company as a talent agent). 6 weeks was not nearly enough time...I returned before I was ready because my boss was going on maternity leave and if I didn't come back - they were gonna replace me. I somehow pushed through as my doctors tried to find the right combo of meds while building my thyroid back up to right way. Fast forward 2 years....
I am 2 years into a new job with my dream corporation and have a slamming view of NYC. I am kicking ass at my job, but I am faced with the pain that I have to go on another medical leave because the tailspin...well....it never stopped. 16 months ago I went on that leave and I checked into a hospital for 12 nights just to trapper of Cymbalta (one of the many drugs we tried over the recent years). I was suffering from rare withdrawal syndrome from Cymbalta and was experiencing what can only be described as "brain zaps". The withdrawal also left me with the most sever depression I have ever experienced. I just wanted to die. I gained 75lbs on Cymbalta and I was on medical leave for 4 1/2 months. Once again I returned before my body was ready - but I did not want to lose my position that I worked so damn hard for.
Today I am "possibly" turning a corner (it's only been a week!) and all I can think about is helping others and what I will do when I truly get better (oh the freedom of sanity!). But I am afraid...what if people figure out who I am - then they will all know that I suffer from depression and crippling panic disorder (I don't like to call this bipolar because I am not convinced - or perhaps I just fear the stigma). What if I lose my job? Well, the harsh reality that I WAS being discriminated against at work started to unfold just 3 weeks ago. My boss made a case against me for other issues like not being a good manager and went on record with HR. People from work and even outside of the office started to come forward to tell me that my boss was gossiping about my health and my weight! She was fishing for poor reviews and leaving out the good. She was even asking people to report me that had no issues with me. My instincts were right...the stigma of mental illness lives. The mountains of evidence against her began to rise, such as inappropriate conversations with colleagues regarding my "behavior" or private health issues. The brave people started to come forward. I now have an attorney (one that has made a case against this same boss before!) - but I am not suing. I love my career and the company I work for....I am just protecting myself in case they try to fire me...and I have gone on record with human resources as well (2 can play at that game).
While all of the above drama was occurring...my chemical state was severely off and rapidly declining with each day. I had to put on a face everyday to make it through. My doctors were trying to keep me a float. My weekends were the darkest...crying in bed / screaming into my pillow - wishing for cancer (and I am a cancer survivor!).
On top of the work stress and the apparently acute chemical meltdown....all of my insurance bounced back from May 1st on (my 35 out of network out-patient visits for mental health care were already used for the year by mid-April). I owe my doctors thousands of dollars. They all assured me it would be fine because I was protected by the NY State Law - Timothy's Law that went into effect in 2007. So, I kept seeing my doctors...the bills kept mounting and I kept trying to get coverage from my insurance company. Well....there is a loop hole. Timothy's Law http://www.timothyslaw.org/ does not apply to self-insured corporations or companies who's insurance is based outside of NY state. My company is both self-insured and based out of CA.
I could not make ends meet for another reason. Due to my panic disorder I get very dizzy when outside. I can't walk the 7 blocks to the subway. I even went through a period of time when I could not cross the street - the fear would lock my brain - frozen. So, I have to take a cab to and from work each day. That usually costs about $25 a day!
Then the food! I am obese. When there is food in the house...I eat it all! So I started ordering every meal in. But who was I kidding...I wasn't ordering steamed chicken and broccoli and saving some for tomorrow - I was ordering burgers and fries and pounding it all down in one sitting. So I got up to 274 pounds! I started to see an obesity specialist in March - who put me on a low glycemic index diet. I swiftly made the shift and have lost 40lbs (to date). Getting the sugar out of my body was not easy - but I immediately realized how sick it was making me...and it was the cause of my migraines! I will never eat sugar again - sugar equals illness for me.
When I learned that Timothy's Law was not gonna come through...I had to budget everywhere I possibly could - I had no choice but to face some fears and make serious changes. As of 3 weeks ago - I stopped ordering in. I only have healthy food in the house. I still binge...but on carrots, apples and cheese. (Boy, I quickly learned that peanut butter could no longer be my friend! - We broke up last night.). Each day with food in the house gets easier - I hope to stop obsessing about it soon. Dear god - so ridiculous. I have not lost weight in 2 weeks - due to the food being around...but I will hang in there - the eating will calm down.
So, with all of this debt I had to cash in a 401k which was just sitting there with a company I left 3 years ago. The 401k has lost over $6,000 in the past 3 months due to the stock market (thanks Bush) - the check came yesterday - it will barely cover the doctors for the year (if I'm lucky). I am OK with cashing it in - I can't imagine I will make it to retirement age - I have already had cancer, radiation, 20 years of obesity, former smoker and years of stress - just wish I could have rolled it over when it was actually making money and taken it out for a house or a sweet vacation.
Things were so bad that 3 weeks ago I thought about going on medical leave (again) - it has been over 12 months since my last leave. If I went on leave - I could get 100% pay for 13 weeks (80% for an additional 13 weeks - but my position will not be held past 12 weeks). I could check into a hospital for treatment which would be fully covered (take THAT stupid laws...now it will cost your triple!). Ah...but my doctor encouraged me to fight for a few more weeks (he seriously laid down the law). With my boss on her summer vacation he wanted me to trust him enough to stay at work and let him adjust my meds as needed. I was afraid to have an even worse reaction and then give her a real reason to witness true odd behavior...but with her out of the way - I could just let go and heal. I am currently on 75mgs of Lamictal and 375 mgs of Trileptal (this was the new addition) - and we upped my Synthroid to hopefully get my thyroid to a happier place (stupid gland!). I take Restoril and Klonopin for sleep and Loestrin24 for my sever PMDD. It seems to be working. My thoughts are not racing as much at night (but I still have a friggen song looping in my head for over a month now!). I don't feel like dying and the manic crying fits have stopped (FYI: I rarely cry at work and keep it hidden if ever). I feel like I can move forward with my CBT/exposure therapy which was put on hold due to the chemical issues. CBT has really helped over the past 2 weeks - here's how....I have major sleep issues that started after my mother died when I was six (I know I am dumping a lot of back-story on you right now...more time for that later). I don't like to feel like I am losing control and sleep can at times be that for me. I am now calming down at night by shutting off the computer and blackberry by 10:00pm. I take my sleep meds earlier and I make sure it all feels like a sleep ritual. I am in bed by 11:00pm. I do breathing exercises or think about all that I am grateful for. Lack of sleep equals panic and depression. We had to get the sleep under control first. I think I am ready to get back to exposure therapy and start walking the streets again....perhaps give public transportation a try (soon). First I have to start with leaving my house more on the weekends. On Sunday (tomorrow) I will go out to cover an event for work and plan on taking the bus there - not a cab. I am some what hopeful - for a change.
I have had amazing support from fabulous friends who are all gorgeous, brilliant and most importantly funny. We always manage to find a joke somewhere in there. Unfortunately most of my family has sucked through this process (the same suspects that sucked 13 years ago when I had cancer). I have one cousin who has rocked! My Dad, Step-mom and brother have failed to cope. My stepsister is trying the best she can. My parents live in fear of me becoming a financial burden. Things have really blown up with them over the past 2 weeks...since I shared all of the above with them. I had to write my Dad a very blunt email. I think it has helped. Only time will tell. I am 38 years old and it is time to truly stand on my own 2 feet and remind myself that IT IS NOT MY FAULT!
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