Downward we go....

On December 1st I wrote about vacation anxiety. I am 10 days into my vacation. I have worked really hard to get out of the house everyday. I have visited with old friends...some good...some not so good. I have accomplished a lot...and today I have crashed. I told my doctor 3 days ago that I felt this coming...I am extremely fatigued. I wasn't sure what it was (is). But as the days went on it hit me that it maybe depression. There is A LOT of painful stress in my life with my family, finances, my sick pet and work. Yesterday I pushed myself to take a bus uptown during a snow storm...I felt like I wasn't going to be able to get off the bus...I was too weak. Last night I got in bed at 8:00pm and got up at 1:00pm today. I am hitting PMDD time of the month and this is exacerbating my depression. My Christmas plans are different this year. For the first time in 15 years I am not going to my cousin's house for the holidays. There is too much stress in their house and I have been advised by my doctor to steer clear. I know this is for the best - but at the same time...I am very sad (I weep about it often...the children really need family right now...but I just can't do it).

Today I feel downright breathless. Heavy hearted and exhausted. Tomorrow I MUST get on a train to NJ for my best friend's 40th birthday party...I have no idea how I am going to do it. Everyone says - you must keep going...get fresh air...exercise...well, I have done that for 10 days and here I am...crashing HARD! It is my responsibility as a person with bipolar to keep myself safe from tailspins. I did a 90% good job this week...and still...sigh...here I am. One foot in front of the other - but for today - I am cutting myself a break and letting myself be sad. Sometimes you just can't fight it.

Update on Facebook Series Chapter 1 - Part 1 & Part 2

Please read The Facebook Series - Part I & Part II.

Update...I had dinner with Elana 2 nights ago (my next door neighbor from childhood). I wish I could report that we connected on an adult level that was refreshing and new - a fresh start...I was immediately reminded why she was picked on as a child and why I did some of that picking. We met at her hotel...I was excited to see her...especially healthy since her battle with breast cancer. She looks fantastic. She has the sweetest curls and a very warm face. We have not seen each other in over 25 years! Her half sister Julie met us at the hotel before dinner. She remembers me fondly. Her little sister is a very negative person - I could tell that their relationship was strained and they could not be more different - I just sat back and soaked it all up. I did A LOT of listening that night. I found myself delivering a different tone for me...I paused a lot and spoke slowly. I didn't care to impress. Perhaps I wanted to soften any negative memories she may have of me...but she seems to remember very little from her childhood...she was truly bullied for years!

Elana likes to talk...and not listen...if she asks a question she is not really interested in the answer- she is more interested in what she can add to your story or how it relates to her. For example she asked me how I knew I had cancer 13 years ago...I got only 1 minute into the story before she jumped back to her cancer tale - which I had been listening to for 2 hours. So I gave up on talking and just asked a lot of questions. The big bummer of the night was the meal. She insisted on going somewhere expensive for dinner. I explained that I did not know where to go because I have been on a budget and don't really splurge on meals - her response "I have been on a budget too and finally have an expense account - let's do it up!". So off we went to an all out steak house. The check comes and she only pays for herself...her expense account is for HER...not to cover me...so I had to dish out $75 for dinner! She is very out of touch with what other people need. She doesn't listen...I mean even during dinner I mentioned my major medical debt and how I have cashed in my 401k to chip away at the medical bills. She just smiled and kept on talking about herself. I was also disappointed to hear her say that she cannot deal with other breast cancer patients. That she will give back to the cause - but only to people who do not need her support or will not talk about their struggles with her. She is completely shut down to giving back emotionally...not just because she is afraid to hear challenging stories (which I can respect) - but because it is just not in her nature to give in that way. She mentioned a young survivor group she is in and was upset that too many women with breast cancer were in her group - she has gone to the leader and demanded that they move some of the women out of her group. The world revolves around Elana...and it always has.

I am still grateful that I reconnected with her...in a funny way it has relieved my guilt for giving her a hard time as a child - perhaps I prepared her for a life of people giving her a hard time...it sounds like it happens all the time to her. She is quite a difficult personality. I was true to my nature. I smiled all night and told her I had a great time, followed by a long hug. It is likely that we will not see each other ever again.

Vacation = Anxiety!

"How was your vacation" they all ask. I reply with a fake smile, "Uh...It was good, thanks"...I try to change the topic as quickly as possible! "So, how about those Giants...Go Big Blue!" Yikes.

Vacation! UGH! I took 3 vacation days this year - all of those days were used for doctor's appointments (7 doctors and 4 tests...none of them by choice - they take you very seriously when you are a cancer survivor). I didn't realize how much I was avoiding vacation until I asked my department assistant how many days I needed to use by the end of the year - the answer - 14 business days! What?! I started to tear up (gotta love those embarrassing mood swings). But there was a real reason for my tears. I was frustrated. Like everybody else I want to hit the beach or hike in the mountains (ok, or hit a 4 day spa!). To be free from my depersonalization and panic attacks. I want time away with loved ones or to party it up (haven't had a drink because of meds in 3 years!)...but I can't - my panic disorder is too paralyzing at this time. I usually just settle for a facial or a pedicure in the city and call it a day. I am also flat broke due to thousands of dollars in medical bills and those damn taxis. I have not left NYC since May! I work in stressful Times Square which only keeps my anxiety spinning and spinning...I need to hit the pause button and fast!

If I don't plan out my days and lock in some real commitments - I will spend all of my time in my dark junior 1 bedroom with the view of a brick wall...slowly spiraling into depression. My only journey out of the house becomes CVS and the deli. I just had 10 days off for Thanksgiving (11/21 to 12/1) - I was trying to chip away at those 14 days. It was not a good time. I spent 2 of the days visiting my cousin and her family in Connecticut for the holiday. We are VERY close. She had to come get me and drive 2 hours each way. My anxiety was too high to get on the train. (I did manage to take the train back...that was a success! Yay Metro North). I used to go to my cousin's house in CT as an escape from the city - but unfortunately there is a great deal of stress in their house at this time (understatement!). They have 3 kids and my cousin's husband tried to kill himself 6 weeks ago (one of the longest nights of my life!). That story is for another time. As a result their 18 year old daughter (who is like my little sister) went into a bipolar tailspin and started cutting herself and abusing prescription drugs - so she ended up in the hospital (for the second time). She came home 3 days before Thanksgiving. While we had a great holiday (with some dramatic bumps in the road) - the trip took a real toll on me. I did my best to be the balance in the house - playing Rock Band with the kids and doing art therapy (it proved to be a good move for the youngest). Me...being the balanced one? I spent the next 3 days recovering. Nice try.

I have vacation time again starting on 12/15 to 12/29. I must make plans and leave the city. I strive to surround myself with positive people who like to have fun, but can also sit and play Yahtzee for awhile with no stress of a watch. I would like to spend time near a quaint village. Good decaf coffee and a fire place. I want to walk on crunchy dried leaves and smell the firewood burning or walk on winter sand with the crisp sea air in my face - something to remind me that I am alive. My parents sold our family beach house - so that place of "free" solace in now gone (above beach photo from New Years 2006 "Winter Sands"). Just 3 days of peace is all I ask. Peace and feeling safe in my own skin. Any ideas?