Vacation = Anxiety!

"How was your vacation" they all ask. I reply with a fake smile, "Uh...It was good, thanks"...I try to change the topic as quickly as possible! "So, how about those Giants...Go Big Blue!" Yikes.

Vacation! UGH! I took 3 vacation days this year - all of those days were used for doctor's appointments (7 doctors and 4 tests...none of them by choice - they take you very seriously when you are a cancer survivor). I didn't realize how much I was avoiding vacation until I asked my department assistant how many days I needed to use by the end of the year - the answer - 14 business days! What?! I started to tear up (gotta love those embarrassing mood swings). But there was a real reason for my tears. I was frustrated. Like everybody else I want to hit the beach or hike in the mountains (ok, or hit a 4 day spa!). To be free from my depersonalization and panic attacks. I want time away with loved ones or to party it up (haven't had a drink because of meds in 3 years!)...but I can't - my panic disorder is too paralyzing at this time. I usually just settle for a facial or a pedicure in the city and call it a day. I am also flat broke due to thousands of dollars in medical bills and those damn taxis. I have not left NYC since May! I work in stressful Times Square which only keeps my anxiety spinning and spinning...I need to hit the pause button and fast!

If I don't plan out my days and lock in some real commitments - I will spend all of my time in my dark junior 1 bedroom with the view of a brick wall...slowly spiraling into depression. My only journey out of the house becomes CVS and the deli. I just had 10 days off for Thanksgiving (11/21 to 12/1) - I was trying to chip away at those 14 days. It was not a good time. I spent 2 of the days visiting my cousin and her family in Connecticut for the holiday. We are VERY close. She had to come get me and drive 2 hours each way. My anxiety was too high to get on the train. (I did manage to take the train back...that was a success! Yay Metro North). I used to go to my cousin's house in CT as an escape from the city - but unfortunately there is a great deal of stress in their house at this time (understatement!). They have 3 kids and my cousin's husband tried to kill himself 6 weeks ago (one of the longest nights of my life!). That story is for another time. As a result their 18 year old daughter (who is like my little sister) went into a bipolar tailspin and started cutting herself and abusing prescription drugs - so she ended up in the hospital (for the second time). She came home 3 days before Thanksgiving. While we had a great holiday (with some dramatic bumps in the road) - the trip took a real toll on me. I did my best to be the balance in the house - playing Rock Band with the kids and doing art therapy (it proved to be a good move for the youngest). Me...being the balanced one? I spent the next 3 days recovering. Nice try.

I have vacation time again starting on 12/15 to 12/29. I must make plans and leave the city. I strive to surround myself with positive people who like to have fun, but can also sit and play Yahtzee for awhile with no stress of a watch. I would like to spend time near a quaint village. Good decaf coffee and a fire place. I want to walk on crunchy dried leaves and smell the firewood burning or walk on winter sand with the crisp sea air in my face - something to remind me that I am alive. My parents sold our family beach house - so that place of "free" solace in now gone (above beach photo from New Years 2006 "Winter Sands"). Just 3 days of peace is all I ask. Peace and feeling safe in my own skin. Any ideas?