On December 1st I wrote about vacation anxiety. I am 10 days into my vacation. I have worked really hard to get out of the house everyday. I have visited with old friends...some good...some not so good. I have accomplished a lot...and today I have crashed. I told my doctor 3 days ago that I felt this coming...I am extremely fatigued. I wasn't sure what it was (is). But as the days went on it hit me that it maybe depression. There is A LOT of painful stress in my life with my family, finances, my sick pet and work. Yesterday I pushed myself to take a bus uptown during a snow storm...I felt like I wasn't going to be able to get off the bus...I was too weak. Last night I got in bed at 8:00pm and got up at 1:00pm today. I am hitting PMDD time of the month and this is exacerbating my depression. My Christmas plans are different this year. For the first time in 15 years I am not going to my cousin's house for the holidays. There is too much stress in their house and I have been advised by my doctor to steer clear. I know this is for the best - but at the same time...I am very sad (I weep about it often...the children really need family right now...but I just can't do it).
Today I feel downright breathless. Heavy hearted and exhausted. Tomorrow I MUST get on a train to NJ for my best friend's 40th birthday party...I have no idea how I am going to do it. Everyone says - you must keep going...get fresh air...exercise...well, I have done that for 10 days and here I am...crashing HARD! It is my responsibility as a person with bipolar to keep myself safe from tailspins. I did a 90% good job this week...and still...sigh...here I am. One foot in front of the other - but for today - I am cutting myself a break and letting myself be sad. Sometimes you just can't fight it.
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