The Facebook Series Chapter I - Part II (Childhood Friend)

(Please read Part I – dated September 28, 2008)

December 1994, I had finally moved out of my parent’s apartment and I was living with a random French girl, Sofie, whom I met through an ad in the Village Voice. The apartment was tiny, but at least I had a cool exposed brick wall in my bedroom. My Ikea fashioned room was always hot…so hot that I had my radar removed by the Super. I would wake-up drenched every night. I would wander around the apartment opening every window to let the winter air in. It drove my roommate crazy. I was working at the GAP, but not on the floor. I was more “corporate”, but don’t really remember what my title was at the time. They kept trying to suck me into the GAP culture as a manager, but I was certain that I would leave soon and either return to film school (that I had recently dropped out of)…or land a job in television or talent representation.

Audrey and I spoke a few times a week and I had even made trips out to New Jersey to visit her. It was weird being back in her home, the same smells, the same bedroom, the same view of my old house and my Mom’s sewing room. I was depressed during that time. Actually, severely depressed. I recall missing a few days work (maybe even a week)…I just couldn’t get out of bed. One night I pushed myself to get out of the house (it was just before Christmas)… a childhood friend and his older brother were visiting from Boston. We were neighbors in Cape Cod where we had a family summer home for 20 years. It was an odd night with crazy details for another story. The most important detail of that night was that I had a terrible cold and seriously swollen glands. So swollen that I could see a lump protruding from the left side of my neck. I starred at my neck in the bathroom mirror in the restaurant for about 20 minutes. When I got home that night my roommate was still up and her Mother, who was a Doctor, was visiting from France. I asked her to check my neck and Sofie did all of the translating for us. Her Mother told me (in French) that it was nothing, just a swollen gland from the cold and not to worry. I was not a fan of Doctors, most likely because of my Mother’s death and fear of illness, so I avoided them whenever possible. My only concern at that time was that my family was going on a big vacation to Mexico to celebrate my Father’s 60th birthday and I didn’t want to get an earache on the plane. The next day I showed up at work and immediately called the Doctor. When I asked my boss to leave for a few hours she was pissed. Again, I had been missing a lot of work. She told me there was no coverage and if I left, I would be fired. I made several calls and found someone to come in. She was still threatening me, but I left anyway. I must have known that something was truly wrong – to risk my job over a swollen gland just so I could be healthy for Mexico - well it wasn’t really my style.

I had not seen Dr. Gersh in quite some time. He saved my Dad’s life a few years earlier – so I felt like I was in goods hands – it was comforting to see his face, but I was still nervous being in a doctor’s office. The space was getting old and dingy - but still had that prestigious uptown address. It was a quick exam. I pretty much just told him I had a bad cold and was going to need something for my congestion, especially on the plane. He is usually so thorough, but I think he got distracted as I talked about my Dad’s upcoming 60th and how grateful I was to him. He told me to take some Sudafed on the plane and I should be fine. As I was hoping off the table, I said “Oh, I forgot to tell you I also have this really swollen gland”. He felt my neck and quickly changed his tone. “We need to get a blood test, some urine, a chest x-ray and a possible biopsy…use this cup”. Then he left exam room. I stood there in my paper gown shivering, confused, concerned, and lonely. Suddenly I felt very grown up. After I got dressed I went into Dr. Gersh’s cozy dim office. I had never been so direct and mature. “Dr. Gersh? What are your fears and concerns?” My voice was very grounded. He paused and searched my face to see if I could take it, “I believe you have Hodgkin’s or Non-Hodgkin’s lymphoma.” I sat down. I told him about Audrey. I knew that Hodgkin’s was the “good cancer” and Non-Hodgkin’s was the “bad cancer”. It all made sense, the depression was a side-effect of the cancer, so were the night sweats.




The next few days were a whirlwind not just for me, but for everyone around me…especially my Dad. I had cancer. The details of this time will all be revealed at another time on this blog…but this my dear friends is The Facebook series…so back to the tale at hand. I called Audrey that night and told her the news. “Audrey, I think we need to go on Oprah.” That’s how I found the way to break the news to her. It was way earlier in my diagnosis – it was still just a lump, but my doctor was SO certain that I had some form of cancer and unfortunately he would be right. Audrey and I had the same disease, the same stage, the same everything. We went through it together. Our roles flopped again, now she was the Mother / advisor. She went through everything 4 months ahead of me. We actually went wig shopping together. 24 and 25 years old. Wig shopping.

I truly thought that cancer would change Audrey. That she would become less self-absorbed. We maintained the friendship for about a year. As Audrey healed and her hair began to grow back she decided she wanted to become a make-up artist and a model. I was still going through my battle, but since I had taken photography in film school I offered to do some test shots of her for a comp card. She quickly got signed to an agency in New Jersey (wasn’t quite NY fashion ready). Her agent actually loved my work and offered to hire me as one of their test photographers. I told them when I was healthy I would give them a call. I never did…but that was pretty exciting. A good friend of mine, who was a well known New York musician, was prepping for his own photo shoot and needed a make-up artist. I got Audrey the job. On the set she yelled at me in front of my friend a number of times. My friend who never gets involved with girl drama told me that he could not believe the way she was speaking to me. She was back to her bossy spoiled ways and I wanted no part of it – we had been through too much. That night when I confronted her over the phone, with my usual tears, she yelled at me and told me to get over it. That I was too sensitive. The disagreement got nasty. We both said some pretty hurtful things…that I don’t even remember today. We NEVER spoke again. I guess we just needed each other during that time, but both knew it wasn’t meant to be. That was over 13 years ago.

Over the years I kept tabs on Audrey through my Aunt B, just wanted to make sure she was healthy. I even saw her on the street once. I ducked to the other side of the street. She was working in the beauty industry and was wearing way too much make-up, but she looked healthy. Her hair was long again, and she was still beautiful.

About 5 weeks ago I started to reconnect with the few friends I had from my hometown on Facebook. I didn’t even bother to type in her name. But I did find Elana. I sat there starring at the computer screen. To friend or not to friend….. Did I want to open up that can of worms? Who did Elana grow up to be? I felt so guilty for the way I treated her all of those years. Finally I clicked and made the friend request. She replied within minutes. She was so excited. So sweet. When I opened her page I found a link to her personal website. I could not believe what I was seeing! There was Elana’s homepage, and there she was…bald. She had cancer. 38 years old and battling breast cancer. My eyes filled up with tears and I yelled out loud “No, No NO!” How could it be that 3 out of the 4 little girls that played together almost everyday had cancer in their 20’s and 30’s? I was angry. I was afraid for Elana. I worried about Katie! Elana and I have been in touch via Facebook and several emails. We don’t think our cancers are related. She is the 3rd generation on her Mother’s side to have breast cancer – but by far the youngest. We do believe that Audrey’s and my cancer are linked. There was a girl across the street from us and few years older that had Hodgkin’s disease as well. Elana is doing more research on this. She will be in the NY area over Thanksgiving and I plan on seeing her. She doesn’t remember anyone being mean to her as a child. She has either blocked it out or is too embarrassed to share otherwise, but I did say I am sorry.